pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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