I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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