he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
