I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
