My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
