remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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