Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
