I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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