I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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