You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize