New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
