i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
