My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
