I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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