I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize