why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
