Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
