There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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