Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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