last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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