im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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