I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do vagina's smell?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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