apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
A+ Viking dick
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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