Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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