Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
