How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
