Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
