I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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