I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
