You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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