No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
