you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He felt like a one man threesome
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
