Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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