What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize