I skipped work to stalk him.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
