I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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