just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
