How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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