Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
