What a fucking waste of an outfit
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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