if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
