I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
