i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
