if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
