I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
it was like eating out sand paper
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
