I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
its not stalking. its research.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
