my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
