Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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