Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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