I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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