Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize