why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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