respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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