Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
