I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
