True but thats because hes a fetus.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
