I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
