im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
