I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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