What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
