I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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