he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
