literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Randomize
