he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
